Life's Little Lessons
by rufustehshinra
Summary: Watching your children grow up can be a humorous learning experience for all involved.
1. Chapter One

When Narugami arrived at Loki's house and rang the bell, nobody answered the door. Upon testing the lock and finding it open, he let himself in. Without the slightest bit of hesitation, he cheerfully invaded the privacy of the mansion's inhabitants, looking for somebody to talk to, at the very least. What he really needed (and desperately wanted) was food. Walking along a hallway that contained bedrooms and bathrooms and no visible (or invisible) gods (or any other kind of gods for that matter. The hall was completely devoid of anything living, excepting himself), Narugami was surprised to hear SLOSH, SLOSH, SLOSH coming from Loki's bathroom. Thinking he was alone and suspecting an intruder, or Heimdall, he paused at the door, and raised Mjollnir high like a club. Taking a deep breath, Narugami kicked open the bathroom door, completely ready to attack if necessary…

…and was rather surprised to find Yamino bent over, covered in sweat.

* * *

Approximately half an hour later, Loki and Fenrir came home. Deciding that perhaps a nap was in order, Loki headed upstairs, intent on resting in the solitude of his room. He wasn't expecting to hear a set of moans coming from his bathroom. Loki paused outside the door, pressing an ear to it. Besides the moaning and grunting, Loki could hear the sound of water sloshing back and forth. 'Oh Odin,' he swore to himself, 'Somebody's having sex in my bathtub.' The noises and voices coming from inside the bathroom only served to confirm his suspicion.

"Fuck," growled a voice from inside. Narukami-kun's voice. SLOSH, SLOSH.

'No,' Loki's mind refused to believe it. 'Even he's not THAT rude. It would take some very powerful alcohol to convince him to do that.'

"That sounds about right." Yamino's voice. It had happened. Loki's worst fears were confirmed. Thor had finally fallen for his youngest son, and was intent on seducing him, no matter where he had to do it! He'd pay for that!

"You're getting really sweaty," Narukami pointed out. Loki's jaw dropped. How dare he!

* * *

Inside the bathroom, Narugami, now shirtless and sweating, was bent over Yamino, who also now shirtless and sweating. "You're getting really sweaty," Narugami had pointed out. Yamino rolled his eyes. Trust him to state the obvious. Sometimes, he could be as bad as Mayura at that. Thor wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, after all. In fact, he was a few carrots short of a stew.

"And you're not?"

Narugami shook his head against Yamino's back. "It's your sweat rubbing off on me," he informed him in a tone that suggested he knew all. "I mean, you've been going at this by yourself a lot longer than I have. We've only been doing this together for about half an hour."

"Feels like longer," Yamino complained. Well, would have complained, if he had that capacity. Which he didn't.

The God of Thunder snorted. "It's not my fault you managed to get it stuck."

"It's not like I did that on purpose."

"…Shut up and pull."

* * *

Back in the bedroom, Loki was freaking out. His youngest son had discovered sex, and sex toys, and had been playing with them while his family was away and oh GODS what a horrible father he was! He should have noticed this sooner, he should've done SOMETHING, maybe explained to Yamino what sex was. There had been no need for it before—how many gods or giants, or anything else really were going to try and mate with the largest snake in all the nine worlds?—but he should have told Yamino something about sex once they'd arrived here and gotten settled in; after all, he did have his father's good looks…

"Maybe if we try pushing it in farther it'll slide out easier?"

Loki shook his head as he paced. What in the world did they think they were doing? If it was stuck, you needed lots of lube to get it out! Narukami should really know better.

"It's worth trying, I suppose."

Grunts.

Gasps.

Loki twitched.

"Great. Now I can't see the round part of it at all. Brilliant idea." A blink. Was that _sarcasm_ coming from Yamino's mouth? Of course, when it came to speaking to Narukami, not even the most polite of people (or gods, or anything else, really) could ever go too long without being sarcastic, even if it was just to themselves.

* * *

"…We could try lubrication or something."

"It's surrounded by water. That's not going to work very well. It'll just get washed away."

Narugami blinked. He had a point. "Suppose we wiggled it," he suggested.

Yamino considered. "That could work." And so they wiggled it. And then they wiggled it some more. They wiggled it until they began to feel slightly exhausted. Still, they carried on valiantly. "Harder," Yamino panted. He was starting to loose his breath.

* * *

"Harder," Yamino panted. Loki was pacing faster now. They'd have a lot to answer for when they came out of there. Narukami hadn't even asked his permission to bugger his son. Not that Narukami was ever expected to do anything the proper away—he was too insensitive, and well… dense.

"Faster!" Yamino demanded. "It's almost loose!"

"Dammit, I'm going as fast as I can!"

* * *

"Just a little more," Yamino encouraged. Narugami shifted his position, ended up being pressed tighter against him. Together, they gave it one hard tug. PLOP, SPLASH! The end of the plunger came flying out, sending them both tumbling to the floor with a cry, and stabbing Yamino painfully in the gut.

Loki burst into the bathroom, having finally gotten enough sense into his head to use Laevaetin to get the door open. He paused just inside the doorway to take in the scene. Water was all over the floor, a plunger was clasped tightly in Yamino's hand. Somehow, Narugami had ended up on top of Yamino and was straddling him. Both were panting hard, and Yamino was making a pained face. Both were shirtless.

"What is going on here?" Loki asked, voice soft and deadly and perfectly calm. Narugami knew THAT voice. It meant somebody was in Deep Shit and right now he suspected it was himself. The other god sat up and slid off of Yamino. Carefully, he helped him sit up. Yamino had a bruise on his stomach from where the top of the plunger had smacked him on it's way out. Laevaetin came to rest on Narugami's head, as a warning. Narugami batted it away, less concerned with his own death, and more concerned with Yamino's stomach.

"It's my fault, Loki-sama," Yamino panted. "I got the plunger stuck in the toilet, somehow. Narugami-san was just helping me get it out."

To say that Loki was relieved would have been an understatement. 'Relieved' didn't even begin to cover it. There was no word for it, really. "I was worried…" he trailed off, busy watching where Narugami's fingers went. He knew Narugami had had a three-week stint as an EMT recently (possibly his longest-lasting job to date) and had picked up on quite a lot, but he was still feeling a little paranoid and wasn't going to give that emotion up so easily. One didn't stay alive by giving up their paranoia.

Yamino didn't seem concerned at all by Narugami's wandering hand, a fact which worried Loki. Instead, Yamino seemed to have decided to concentrate on his father. Perhaps he was picking up on the mix of emotion that Loki was feeling. "You were worried about what?" He prompted gently. If he didn't get Loki-sama talking now, he'd sulk over it for a while and be snappy to all who crossed his path, and occasionally to those who didn't. Nobody liked a snappy Trickster God.

Loki gave himself a mental shake. Now wasn't the time to ponder these things. He'd speak privately to Yamino later. "I was worried about whether or not you're all right. That bruise looks pretty bad." Yes, that was it. Subject change.

Slender fingers pressed on the bruise and Yamino winced just a bit. "It's hurts a little, but it's not that bad." Narugami pressed a different spot, and he cried out, burying his face in the Thunder God's neck. "Please, stop."

"Just making sure you're ok," Narugami murmured to it. But he did stop, hand simply resting on the Midgard Serpent's stomach now. His thumb stroked him absently and Narugami himself was completely oblivious to what he was doing. "I think you should rest."

Loki watched them, mind whirling with emotions. Gods didn't feel them as often as humans, but when they did, the emotions were a hundred times stronger. He just wasn't sure what he was feeling. "Can you stand up?" Loki asked instead. There would be plenty of time to sort through those emotions and thoughts later. Right now, his son needed attention.

Yamino hesitated a bit, but let Narugami help him up. "I could carry you, if you like," he offered, being nice. Loki glared.

"I can walk," Yamino said with a tiny smile. "But thank you." Narugami steadied Yamino as they walked slowly down the hall, hand on his arm and arm around his waist. Loki watched them go from his position on the floor, and thought.

* * *

'I can't believe I'm doing this,' Loki thought to himself as he knocked softly on Yamino's bedroom door. Narukami had finally gone (with much relief at the fact that he was no longer in Deep Shit) and now it was time to have The Talk with his son. Loki felt a little guilty for putting this discussion off for as long as he had and was determined to make up for it by explaining to his son what he needed to know.

"Come in," Yamino called softly. Well, this was it. No time like the present. Loki opened the door and came inside, careful to shut and lock it behind him. Loki had learned the hard way once that simply locking the door didn't keep people out. You had to shut it as well. Loki approached the bed and climbed onto it, sitting at Yamino's side.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

Yamino smiled at him. He did have his mother's smile. It was quite fetching. "A little better, as long as I don't move too much."

Loki returned the smile and brushed a strand of hair out of Yamino's face. "That's good. Do you feel well enough to talk?"

"Yes, I suppose I do. What is it?"

The Trickster God cleared his throat. "Well… there's something I should tell you about. I suppose I should have brought this up sooner, but it didn't come to my attention that you may need this knowledge until… earlier."

Yamino blinked at him. What in the world was Loki-sama getting at? "Okay…"

"I want to talk to you about sex."

"Sex? But I already know about males and females."

Loki scratched his head nervously. "Not like that. How they… how humans and gods, that is, mate."

"…Make friends?"

"…Not quite. Just listen and I'll explain."

And explain he did, using a variety of useful hand gestures, a couple hastily made drawings, a book, and a cucumber or two. When he finished, Yamino blinked at him, expression one of mild horror and befuddlement. "And you must never do this," he added. "Not unless you're either horribly in love or married, understand." One must keep the children from growing up too fast, after all. "It is not," he continued, "a hobby suitable for young people."

Yamino blinked at him again. He found the whole thing to be mildly confusing and it sounded more than a little painful… well most of it did. Some things sounded intriguing. Loki prodded him slightly. "Are you all right?" he asked, privately hoping he wasn't going to make a study of it as Hel had.

"Oh… I'm…" Traumatized, intrigued, puzzled. "…Fine."

"Are you sure?" Loki asked. He had to make sure he hadn't traumatized him too badly. At least Yamino wouldn't have to find all of it out on his own. His first time had been absolutely horrible. Nobody had bothered to give him any information on the subject at hand prior to the… engagement, and nobody had said anything on the subject to him afterwards for a long time. This way, Yamino could at least be sort of prepared.

The Midgard Serpent nodded. "I'll be fine, once my mind stops hurting. People really find that fun?"

Loki grinned. "Oh yes." Upon seeing his son twitch, Loki dropped the grin. "Er… I mean… Yes. Many people, gods, giants—anything else really, enjoy it. If you must procreate, you may as well make it fun and interesting, right?"

Something in Loki-sama's voice bothered Yamino. The tone made it sound almost as if he didn't want children. But that was ridiculous. If he truly didn't want any, he would have stopped after Sleipnir, and he certainly wouldn't have taken them in to stay under his roof. Giving himself a mental shake, Yamino decided to ignore it. He must have been imagining things, caused by the stress of the day. A thought came to his mind. Speaking of the earlier stress…

"Loki-sama?" he asked, stifling a yawn.

"Yes, what is it?"

"The reason you decided to tell me tonight… is it because of what happened earlier with Narugami and the bathroom?"

Loki favored him with a smile and a gentle touch on his cheek. "You're very perceptive. Get some rest."

"Yes, Loki-sama. I think I will."


	2. Chapter Two

Later that week, Loki was convinced that he'd managed to completely solve the problem of Yamino and Narugami. He'd spent the past several days gloating over his victory. Nobody would steal his children away again just to hurt them. Therefore, he was surprised to walk past the kitchen and hear the voices of Yamino and Narugami drifting from behind the closed door. "What is this thing?" he heard Narugami ask. The confusion in Narugami's voice was evident. Mayura, having gotten bored of waiting for Loki upstairs came bounding down the corridor towards him. Loki made a shushing motion and leaned in close to the door. Mayura paused by the door to listen too. Loki could tell from the way she was trying not to bounce that she thought this was a fushigi mystery. 

"The most delicious thing in all of the nine worlds! Just wait 'til you taste it!" Yamino exclaimed.

There was a moment of silence, and Loki could just picture the confused expression on Narugami's face. "Taste it?" he finally replied. "As in, put that in my mouth? But it looks so big!" Mayura's jaw dropped and she clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Just try it," Loki's youngest son urged.

They heard Narugami snort. "…no. I don't really think I like this…"

"That's because you're not doing it right! Believe me; I'd know if you were doing it right! You'd be making all sorts of yummy noises."

Loki's eye twitched, slightly. Mayura leaned closer to the door. Eyes wide, she turned to Loki. "Loki-kun, who's in there?" she whispered.

"I think… Narugami and Yamino are… are doing something." The thought pained him. Loki made a face. Mayura grinned a pervy fangirl grin, the kind that only a rabid yaoi fangirl could possibly make.

From inside the kitchen, they heard a sigh. "Fine then. Tell me how to do it."

"Well, first of all, you're holding it wrong. Hold it down here at the base, not up here where your mouth goes."

"Sounds like they're doing something naughty!" Mayura half-whispered, sounding a bit too happy about it for Loki's taste.

"Oh! You mean like this?"

He scowled at her. "You don't need to sound so thrilled about it. It's probably something totally innocent." Yes, that was it. Narugami wasn't interested in his son, and he wasn't giving Yamino a blow job in his kitchen. That would just be ridiculous. Anybody could walk in. Nobody would do that unless they were into that sort of thing, and Thor had never been much of a sexual exhibitionist. He would know, after all.

"Mmm… yes. Now start off slowly. Take your time to savor the taste," Yamino coached.

Mayura smirked as a moan of pleasure drifted out of the kitchen. "Or not," she said cheerfully. Loki glowered at her.

"Oh wow, you're right, this does taste good!" Narugami also sounded too thrilled about it for Loki's taste.

"I'm always right about this sort of stuff. Haven't you learned that yet?"

Loki's eyes widened and his anger level began to skyrocket. Thor may not be an exhibitionist, but Loki knew next to nothing about the sexual tendencies of his own offspring. If Yamino had even half the kinks he did… "Yet? What have they been doing together? I'm going to go in there and" Mayura grabbed his shoulder.

"Noooo! I want to listen!" Mayura protested, pouting—actually pouting at him, for Odin's sake! The God of Chaos had no idea the high school girl was such a pervert. She hid it well behind her innocence and general lack of common sense. Loki didn't even think she knew what sex was. This was a bit of a shock.

"Well, it is your forte. …Say, what happens if I do this? …Ack!"

"You sucked it off! You sucked the tip right off the rest of it!" Out in the hallway, eyes widened and jaws dropped. Loki twitched, and winced. 'Ow,' he thought. Well, Thor had always been so good at sucking down mead in seconds. He supposed that if the Thunder God put his mind to it, it was possible he could do that sort of damage to various appendages.

"Well, sorry! I didn't think it was possible to suck too hard on these things."

Yamino may have growled. Or it may have been a moan of pain. Either way, it caused what little parenting instincts Loki had to kick in. "Let me go, Mayura! He's hurting Yamino-kun!"

"…I don't hear any screams of pain." She refused to let go. Loki cursed his small body, Odin, and anything else he could think of. "Let's just listen, ok? Let Yamino-kun have his fun."

He tried to kick Mayura. She held him further away. "Fun! Fun! That doesn't sound like fun! It sounds like torture! Let me go!"

Mayura shook her head and held on to him tightly, mind firmly in the gutter. "Maybe he's into that sort of thing."

"MY SON IS NOT INTO BDSM!"

The pink-haired girl blinked. "How would you know?" Loki glared and refused to dignify that with an answer.

Yamino sighed. "Well, there's still the rest of it."

"Will it taste just as good?" Narugami sounded oh so hopefully. It made Loki feel slightly homicidal.

"You bet it will! Want me to show you a trick?"

"Yeah, sure. Will it enhance the experience?"

"Yes. Here, look."

Narugami gasped. "That's sexy. And yummy looking. Let me try! … How's that?"

Someone sounded rather breathless. "You're a natural at this. You've done this before haven't you?" Mayura developed a nosebleed, but still managed to keep a good hold on Loki who was fighting to get to the door.

"Once or twice. Those were just for practice though." Loki glowered. They damn well were not 'just for practice.' It was boredom and mutual attraction, plain and simple, and he would not stand for Thor to denounce his sexual prowess to his child. Of course, he could understand the reasoning behind not telling Yamino that he'd screwed his father. Even Loki himself had never been dumb enough to tell Odin's sons that he'd been sleeping very happily with their father.

"It paid off. You're good at this."

A moment of absolute silence followed.

"NARUGAMI-SAN! That's going to be a mess to clean up!" Yamino sounded pissed.

"I didn't mean to suck the rest of it off so soon!" And Narugami sounded as though he was pleading for his life.

"You dropped half of it on my floor! My nice clean floor!"

"…it tasted really good so I got enthusiastic?"

"…y'think? It's in pieces on the floor! You broke it!" Mayura dropped Loki on the floor in shock. She'd read plenty of yaoi and that had never happened, not even in the most twisted of stories.

Loki made a break for the kitchen door before Mayura could grab him again. "What in the name of Odin is going on in here!" he demanded, as he took stock of the situation. Yamino and Narugami were seated at opposite sides of the kitchen table. Yamino had a popsicle in one hand, a mop in the other, and was glaring daggers at Narugami, who was standing guiltily by a smashed and broken popsicle on the kitchen floor.

"Loki-sama!" Yamino jumped. "I was just showing him how to eat a popsicle."

Mayura followed Loki in. "Dangit," she murmured, looking disappointed.

"What did you think we were doing?" Narugami asked Mayura suspiciously. She blushed slightly, and leaned forward to whisper in his ear, once again the picture of dorky innocence.

The Thunder God's eyes widened and he blushed. "Daidouji! You closet pervert!" He looked as though he was trying to decide whether to be surprised, angry, or amused. The looks clambering across his face were most interesting, as he decided to try to be all three at once and ended up looking like he'd been eating sour pickles covered with ferret droppings.

Yamino studied them. "What? What did you think we were doing? Loki-sama?"

Loki looked away from his son, glowering. "Nothing. You don't need to know." He grabbed Mayura's arm. "C'mon… let's go."

As soon as they were gone, Yamino looked over at Narugami, mess long forgotten. "What was that all about?"

He blushed more. "They thought… well... that I was sucking you off."

Yamino blinked. And thought about it. And blushed. "We wouldn't do that in the kitchen! Anybody could just walk in!"

"We could go upstairs and lock the door," Narugami said suggestively. Yamino gasped, shocked, and a bit intrigued.

In the hallway, there was a muffled choking sound, followed by a thump and a series of crashes. They ran to the doorway and looked out into the hall. Loki was disentangling himself from a variety of objects he'd tripped over upon overhearing Narugami's suggestion. He was enraged. "No you," he paused to pull a lamp chord off his neck. "No, you couldn't!" The diminutive god pulled a pen out of his ear. "I absolutely," he continued, pulling feathers from a duster that had gotten knocked over off of his shirt and out of his hair, "forbid this." Loki righted the table and put the lamp back on it.

"I was just kidding with that last comment, really."

"Good," Loki said, his tone making it perfectly clear that if Narugami had been serious, Instant Fatherly Wrath of Doom awaited him. And it would be painful. "You'd better have been."

Narugami laughed nervously. "Right… I have to get to work… see ya later!" And he fled.

Loki glared after him and stalked up to his office, muttering threats and curses under his breath. Yamino blinked and plucked another feather out of his father's hair and set off to clean up the mess Narugami had made as he tried not to think about all the implications... and to try to ignore the strange desire to act on them.


End file.
